online dating: good or bad?

turns out like most things, it's complicated

hi all,

today’s newsletter is an essay plus a few links. in an effort to send these more frequently, I am trying to break the content up more, and when I ran a poll, essays were heavily requested. I’m trying to give the people what they want!!! stay tuned for advice, hopefully next week — and please continue to write in anonymously here.

a note on paying for my newsletter: I have only ever paywalled one newsletter at the time of publishing, which was an experiment to see if it would increase paid subscribers (it did, by a lot. who knew!) I don’t want to make a habit of that — I too subscribe to a bunch of newsletters that I really enjoy, but can’t afford to pay for all of them, so I get it… and also this newsletter takes a lot to put together, it is work, and I have invested money in making it more aesthetically pleasing and cohesive (more TK!!!) which I’m only able to do because of paid subscribers. with all of that said, the vast majority of this will remain free at the time of publishing, but I do paywall after a few weeks, so make sure you subscribe to get these in your email inbox or substack app.

love,

your friend Mindy 

PS: if you’re in Philly, celebrate May Day at 4 PM at City Hall with my presidents Bernie Sanders and Jimmy Williams Jr.

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I got a question in the ol' advice column that I’m going to use as the jumping off point for this essay. apologies to the writer if I don’t actually answer this question in full, but my thoughts are below!

I vaguely recall you used to write about dating advice or maybe it was matchmaking? I’m so curious what you think of the modern dating scene, either based on what you’ve heard from readers or customers or friends, or just general observation and reading or study? And also perhaps more broadly, as an organizer and writer about things that matter (but that can be controversial or resisted in certain parts of the country)…what do you find brings us together? And what do you think drives us apart?

I’ve never online dated. this is not a brag or a flex — it’s actually something I feel pretty embarrassed by. not that there’s anything wrong with not online dating, but there is something wrong with being a coward, which I was. I would make profiles and match and chat with people, and then they would inevitably ask to meet up — the point of online dating, of course — but I’d freak out and either stop responding or delete my account entirely.

it’s hard to explain why I felt this way because I don’t really understand it myself. I completely froze at the idea of meeting up with a stranger — I couldn’t imagine having a normal and friendly (let alone romantic!) outing with someone I had never even seen in real life before. it felt unnatural, different from all the other ways I had previously connected with people — which is kind of strange because “being online” is such a huge part of my life.

pre-pandemic I linked up with an internet friend to create Red Yenta, a matchmaking “site” for leftists (I put “site” in quotes because it really just lived on twitter and via email, and is now featured in Jewish Currents). I forget how it started — I think after I tweeted something controversial about how socialist men don’t seem to like dating socialist women — but I do remember how many emails we got looking for matches, and how angry our little experiment seemed to make people. at best we were made fun of, at worst we were said to be cheapening left-wing politics and/or doing misogyny, as though only men are looking to date, and that they’re really only looking for sex.

I can’t access the old email account anymore, but people from all over the world and people of all ages and genders and sects (lol) wrote in to us looking for love. it sometimes became overwhelming — there were so many people to email back and personal ads to post, on top of all the regular obligations of life. at the time I thought it was just a cute and silly thing to do; now, in retrospect, I feel really touched that so many strangers entrusted us with trying to help them find a date or a lover or a partner.