just advice #2

and thoughts on a potential publishing schedule

hi all,

today’s newsletter is just advice (plus some links to things I’ve read). I am hopeful about starting a publishing schedule that looks a bit like this:

1. essay + links

2. advice + links

3. 10 things that are feeling good + links

maybe I’ll include advice with the essay sometimes, but maybe not — curious to know your thoughts on this specifically and the schedule in general. I am hopeful this will help me send you something once every 2 weeks! but, again, please let me know your thoughts.

a note on paying for my newsletter: I have only ever paywalled one newsletter at the time of publishing, which was an experiment to see if it would increase paid subscribers (which it did, by a lot!) I don’t want to make a habit of that — I too subscribe to a bunch of newsletters that I really enjoy, but can’t afford to pay for all of them, so I get it… and also this newsletter takes a lot to put together, it is work, and I have invested money in making it more aesthetically pleasing and cohesive (more TK!!!) which I’m only able to do because of paid subscribers. with all of that said, the vast majority of my newsletters will remain free at the time of publishing, but I do paywall after a few weeks, so make sure you subscribe to get these in your email inbox or substack app.

love,

your friend Mindy 

PS: the AFSCME DC 33 strike is over and it’s very painful, I am basically catatonic today. before there was a tentative agreement, I wrote a little explainer for my friends at Jacobin. maybe my next essay will be about how mentally ill union activity makes me!

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ask Mindy

I have a few questions in the queue, but please continue to write in here. it is anonymous! I am only able to publish this section because people write in consistently. if the questions stop so will the answers!

there are four questions today, about how to recover from getting let go from a job, how to handle conflict in politics, how to deal with an ex-friend, and how to handle all the feelings that come from the private vs public school debate. read on for the answers!

I recently lost my job (was let go) due to poor performance on my part. I'm grappling with this because it was a good job with great people and I know that I failed to meet the mark. I've kept this to myself and am not planning to tell anyone unless I have to. I've been applying for other roles in a similar field and am trying to be intentional about how I present myself and how I approach this new stage of my life. I'm a bit anxious that the habits that led to my poor work in my previous role will carry over into a new role, should I get it, and so I've tried to be honest with myself about what led to my failure in the first place. I think my question is: do you believe it's possible to bounce back from a failure like this and move forward doing quality, honest work and make a fair living? I feel like a bit of a 'bad person', but I know that's an indulgent, almost narcissistic feeling, and the key is to stand up and move forward.

the fact that you know that you failed to meet the mark tells me that you are on track to bouncing back! and maybe you already have! very few people have the self-awareness you do. I think most of us have a tendency to look outward and blame others instead of doing any reflection on our roles in the situations we find ourselves in. you don’t seem to be doing that at all.

of course it is possible to bounce back from a failure and more forward! this cannot be the first time you’ve failed in your life. I understand if it’s the biggest failure or the most painful failure, but it can’t be the first or the only. you’ve probably failed a test or fallen off your bike or lost a game or been rejected or let down a friend or cheated on a partner — or maybe I’m just naming some of my many personal failures ;) but whatever you’ve done, you’ve lived to tell the tale. and you’ve probably learned something too — something about why it happened and/or how you can make sure it doesn’t happen again. that is the literal whole point of life: you try and you fail and you try some more.

just the other day I lost my cool on my kid and I raised my voice at him. probably sounds less consequential than getting fired — and I’m sure it is! — but I grew up in a house with a lot of yelling and not a lot of affection, and I always promised myself that my kid’s life would be the total opposite. but it was hot and I was thirsty and hungry and he wouldn’t stop whining and for a second I lost myself. I felt like such a fucking asshole loser. I apologized obviously but I also spent some time feeling sorry for myself, like, am I just like my parents? why can’t I control my emotions? I think having the indulgent pity party moments are just part of the process and should be honored, but I agree that you can’t linger on them for too long. all you can do is decide to be better and make a plan for how you’re going to get there. without knowing about the habits that got you to a place of being fired, I can’t comment specifically, except for you to figure out what those were and do the opposite. it sounds like you’re already at least halfway there!

I’ve been involved in DSA and other left organizing for about five years. My level of engagement has varied over the years with what’s going on in my life, but I often find myself in leadership positions or continually taking more on, and feel a lot of responsibility to speak up or make things happen. I’ve also had anxiety for most of my life and am a very sensitive person, so I really struggle to deal with all the personal and political conflict that seems inevitably involved. How can I continue to be part of the socialist movement without damaging my mental health or falling out of balance? Due to the sector I work in I may never have a unionized job, and my spouse and I are also looking to have a baby soon, so those are also factors at play.

I stopped being involved in DSA in part because of the personal conflicts that came with it, so I really get it! it can be rough and ugly and painful especially when it’s with people with whom you agree 99% of the time lol. but honestly, the fact that you’re often finding yourself in leadership positions and continually taking more on tells me that you are already being part of the socialist movement (duh)… and maybe we need to re-frame the stuff about your mental health and balance! you are choosing, over and over again, to do this — which tells me that it is bringing great meaning and purpose to your life. I think I’m going to write more about this soon, but I think some people are just like this — maybe our balance looks a lot different than other people’s balance. maybe it’s normal for you/me/people like us to be a little bit unhinged!

WITH THAT SAID, we are in charge of our own lives and I think you can put some guardrails up to protect your inner peace. something that’s been helpful for me in moments of extreme stress/go go go feelings is to say out loud that I am taking two days (or however many, dealer’s choice) off from all organizing work, and asking your friends and spouse to hold you accountable. this always makes me feel refreshed (or at the very least, less frazzled) and able to get back to work with less of the “wanting to die” feelings. also, having a baby rocks and will help manage your time for you, but if you’re anything like me — and I think you are — parenthood will not calm the monster that lives inside of you. you will want more than your baby and that is allowed! if you are really feeling like you need to make some changes before then, you can and should! you could take a step back — you can go from being a leader to being a regular member, you can spend less time on all of it. but you can’t have it both ways, you know? you can’t constantly make things happen and speak out if you want to take a step back. if you decide to take a step back, you have to let other people lead. that might mean letting people who you disagree with have the last word or make the plans. if that’s OK with you, then gd speed, take your rest! if it’s not, you’ll have to figure out how to accept yourself as you are: a person with important leadership qualities who cares deeply about changing our society.

I live close to a former friend who I am no longer in touch with. I felt our friendship was not reciprocal and frequently felt hurt by comments she made, her lack of effort, etc. A couple of years ago, I decided to stop reaching out to her and we basically haven't seen each other since then. We have pretty different social circles and I don't run into her often, but a couple of our mutual friends recently moved nearby and I'm anticipating seeing her more through them. I've been reassured by our mutual friends there's no ill will on her part, but it still hurts me to see her be a good friend to them and wonder why she wouldn't show up that way towards me. I don't want to rekindle a friendship with her, but I would like to be able to be around her in social settings without feeling uncomfortable (my ideal would probably be to not see her, but I don't want to avoid plans with our mutual friends just because she's there). I'm wondering at this point if it's worth it to try to have a conversation with her, or if I should just let it go and do my best to be civil. I'm pretty avoidant so I struggle to imagine what that kind of conversation would even look like. What do you think? Thank you!!

friendship breakups are unbelievably painful, especially when it fizzles out due to the one person keeping it afloat (you) taking a step back to see what happens. it really sucks that she didn’t step up and prioritize your friendship! the lack of closure is really shitty, and so is the fear of seeing her, I truly hate that feeling. but I think because you’re not interested in rekindling a friendship with her, there’s no real reason to have a conversation with her. I think your best bet is to let it go and do your best to be civil — say hi and bye, but leave it at that. and quite frankly, I think the anticipation is a lot worse than the actual reality of the situation. yes, it will suck to see her, but it will be like ripping off a bandaid, and will honestly feel normal/like not a big deal after a little while. good luck!

Hi Mindy! Now that I’m a parent, I'm in a few different neighborhood and parent groups and I’ve been unprepared for all the discussions about schools. I live in a stable neighborhood in a HCOL city, and I've been surprised by how many people don't even consider public school for their kids. I am struggling to wrap my head around it and it makes me think differently about people I'm meeting who I may otherwise pursue a friendship with. I don't really know what I am asking exactly, but you've mentioned this dynamic before and I am wondering how you handle it.

lol I could have written this question and I’m paywalling the answer because it’s all too fraught and makes me feel vulnerable and ashamed and exposed — I wish I didn’t care, but I really do! to explain: before I became a parent, school was really just a political thing for me, and fairly theoretical and intangible. I was very rah rah public schools, but it didn’t really affect my life! now it feels very personal and material and everywhere! I was not prepared for this — I didn’t think about it at all, as it related to me, and now I think about it all the time. it’s in all the facebook/whatsapp/whatever groups, and we also know many people who send their kids to private school, some of whom are our very close friends. (my husband went to private school, and most of his friends from there either already do send their kids to private school, or plan to in the future.)

I will say, before getting into it, that there are a lot of reasons people choose to send their kids to private school, and 90% of them are reasons I don’t agree with and/or think come from a factually incorrect place, but there is 10% that is maybe worth holding onto, if you also are mentally ill like me.