Just advice #13

Four questions today

Hi all,

Below, you’ll find four advice questions (and answers) today, about:

1. A brother who farts loudly in public

2. Political parenting

3. How to befriend your neighbors

4. Navigating good friends’ different parenting style

For more advice, write in anonymously here. I’ll be back in a week or so with a 10 things wrap up, and then again with an essay! Although TBD what the essay will be about, so let me know if you have thoughts or suggestions.

A cringe plea to consider becoming a paying subscriber: Before I got serious about my newsletter, I was doing some freelance reporting. I enjoy that, but I enjoy this more and want to keep doing it. But the time it takes to do this is time I could spend chasing freelance work, which pays money. I don’t want to paywall things and I actually do need to be making money from this. I know the economy sucks ass right now — and I know a lot of other newsletter writers are in similar boats currently — but if you have a couple bucks a month to sustain this work, I would really appreciate it. I am constantly losing paid subscribers because of credit card expirations and people re-evaluating their budget/priorities (totally get it) — but if you are one of the hundreds of people who open up this newsletter every time you get it, I would so appreciate it if you became a paid subscriber.

Love,

Your friend Mindy 

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Classifieds & Personals

Looking for friends, a date, workshop attendees, roommates, or something else entirely? Fill out this form and I’ll share it in my next newsletter (for free). I run each “ad” for about a month; if you want it re-posted after that, please re-submit! I’ve also sorted these by geography for ease.

PHILADELPHIA —

ROMANTICALLY SEEKING IN PHILADELPHIA: 30 y.o. M seeks F for something long-term (ideally). Proud Philadelphia Film Society member. Let’s go to a museum or a used bookstore! Message me on Signal: @OurManInHavana.09

LOOKING FOR DATES IN PHILADELPHIA: M, 30, in Philly seeking F, 30s for dates rooted in quality time + mutually-shared interests. I enjoy cooking, running, drinking wine and the caramel toast at Meetinghouse. e-mail me? timothyjmulhern@gmail.com

LOOKING FOR A CAT IN PHILADELPHIA?: Looking to rehome a very sweet 6(ish) year old M cat. No behavioral issues, in fact, he is incredibly friendly, he just needs a new home due to the owner’s life circumstances. He is good with people but doesn’t have much experience around other cats! He has no known health issues and is up to date with vaccines. Happy to discuss more or answer any questions- aschoenburg@gmail.com.

ISO HOUSEMATE IN PHILADELPHIA: My name is Elaine, I live in South Philly and am looking for a housemate to move into my home! I enjoy peace and quiet, my cat Damian, and working from home. Looking for someone chill who is not looking for a best friend/roomie :) For more info and photos email edifeliciantonio@gmail.com.

NEW YORK CITY —

LOOKING FOR LOVE IN NYC: I’m a 31F lover of New York City, the beach, photography and travel, open and available to love and connection. I love listening to the birds in my backyard, biking around the city and running in the cold. I’m quite spiritual and mystical but also down to earth and realistic about life. I lean left politically and my values are important to me! Lesbian interested in women and transmasc / nonbinary folks. Located in Brooklyn - carolyngearig@gmail.com

ALSO LOOKING FOR LOVE IN NYC!: Cute, fun, and funny 40F, Brooklyn Heights, seeks 30-50M. Let’s have dinner at the bar and plan adventures out of town. Reach out at: elizabethdating1@gmail.com

ELSEWHERE —

SEEKING FRIENDS IN GERMANY: F, 28, American in Berlin, DE seeks friends to drink beer/wine, see movies, GOTV for Die Linke, and talk shit with. lweissgold@pm.me

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Ask Mindy

Please write in here, it is anonymous! Please note that I often get many questions around the same theme (breakups, motherhood, imposter syndrome, politics, etc.) — if I don’t answer your specific question, trust that I have already or plan to answer a similar one in the near future!

Hi Mindy. My beloved (adult) brother farts super loudly, in front of everyone, all the time. His friends and girlfriend and I all kind of give him shit for it, but he doesn’t seem to care! When I’ve talked to him about it privately, he gets defensive and says it’s natural and necessary. And sure, I’m all for feeling comfortable and unashamed of your body among friends. But it does have a weird effect on social situations, and I just feel embarrassed for/by him when he does it. What should I do?

Ew. This is incredibly weird and off-putting!!! Of course farting is natural and necessary, but no one else is doing it loudly in front of everyone without a care in the world. There are very few people I feel fully comfortable farting in front of, which I think is fairly normal! Your brother knows this, which is why he is defensive, but there don’t seem to be any consequences for his actions, so he has no real reason to change. For the life of me I can’t understand why his girlfriend puts up with this, but maybe it doesn’t actually bother her that much? I would definitely not continue dating someone who acted that way, because yes, it’s embarrassing, and it also feels disrespectful — you’re telling someone that something they do bothers you, and they seem to have no interest in even considering making any changes. That’s strange to me!

Now that I spend a lot of time with a toddler, I better understand the strategic use of consequences: if you hit me, you no longer get dessert, etc. If you really feel strongly about not wanting to be out in public with him when he’s loudly farting, I suggest you implement these kinds of boundaries in your relationship with your brother. Just explain to him that you love him and are happy to spend time with him, but you don’t want to do it in a public space like a restaurant because it makes you feel embarrassed when he farts loudly. And if he really wants to hang out in public with you, he will figure out a way to excuse himself to the bathroom or otherwise not fart loudly.

On the other hand, when I was a kid, my mom always said, “you can only be embarrassed by yourself” when I thought I was going to crawl into a hole and die every time my mom would sing in a store lol.

How do you incorporate (or envision you will in the future once your child is older) your politics into parenting/teaching your kid, and/or friends’ kids?

Parenting mixed ages here (6-17) and we will occasionally have a bigger conversation but usually it’s the background of our day to day, not a daily topic of conversation/learning. (we don’t have an at-home political history education program with a new module each week lol, but maybe we need one!)

We don’t do very much in this area, at least not purposefully. I think a lot of that stuff is cringe and try-hard and either doesn’t get through or backfires, at least with a kid as young as ours. Some of his favorite books are about the labor movement — Oats and Roses: Teamsters Strike to Protect Thunder and Lightning; Brave Girl — but he obviously equally loves Curious George and The Berenstain Bears books.

Like you said, it’s much more in the background than a forced learning topic, and we have no plans to change that. He knows we are both union members, and we talk about our unions every chance we get: “Daddy is going to his union meeting tonight,” “Daddy is working tonight and getting paid extra, thanks to his union,” etc. He comes with us to canvass and to political meetings, both because we want to expose him to that stuff and also just because we don’t always have babysitting help. He’s very excited about his “big kid school” being a public school, even though he doesn’t know what that means except that “it’s for everyone!,” which is one of his favorite things to say lol. We don’t cross picket lines obviously, and if workers are on strike, he is on the picket line with us, and has been since before he was born:

When workers at the Philadelphia Museum of Art were on strike from 9/26-10/14 in 2022. Our son was born on October 7!

No idea what he’s actually picking up from any of it, but hopefully something, and I’m guessing he’ll understand more as he grows up. Our hope is that it just feels like a normal part of his life that he doesn’t think much about, just like having friends over for Shabbat dinner.

That’s about it, honestly! I’m not an expert on how kids learn, but it would feel both embarrassing and boring for me to try to explain our politics to him; I don’t really think politics are something you have or something you think, they’re something you do. I’d rather have him just experience politics the same way we do: as something that’s active and alive. And of course, if and when he has questions, we will answer them. My husband always tells me that if we try too hard, he may end up at Wharton getting an MBA, so best not to lay it on too thick!

I live in Grad Hospital, am a 35 year old man (married, but wife is in another country for this year) and I want to get to know my neighbors. I get the impression from your newsletter that you’ve got a real community on your block, and neighborhood in general. I moved here a few years ago and I’ve been struggling to get to know people. The RCO is active, but doesn’t publicize that well, so maybe if I get their events on my calendar and commit to it that’s an opening, but the few events I’ve been to are quite business-like, with established social cliques.

Are there other structured events that come to your mind for getting to know those around us? Or is the key more just greeting people in the few moments I see them on the sidewalk, etc? Putting myself out there and more actively asking for names, numbers… I consider myself a socially competent person but I don’t have a script for this somehow.

I sometimes read in the park near me and there are plenty of people there with their kids or what have you, but as much as they seem cool I don’t see an easy path to that turning into acquaintance. You (and others I know in other neighborhoods in Philly/this country) seem to have great friends and acquaintances in your neighborhoods. Or at least more familiarity than what I have! HELP I want to know people!

Aw I love this question! Honestly, pregnancy was the big game-changer for me in this regard — people love babies and it’s an easy conversation starter. But I lived on my block for like 9 years before getting pregnant! Obviously pregnancy is not a possibility for you, so I’m saying this because I don’t want you to feel too bad about not immediately connecting with your neighbors.

I think getting involved in SOSNA (or if you’re reading this and dealing with the same problem, whatever community groups/RCOs are near you) is a good bet, even with the cliquey stuff — that might just be something you have to fight through and also may dissipate if you show your face long enough. Looks like you can sync their calendar with yours, which is helpful for seeing what events they have and when. I love the idea of sitting in the park, but if I saw someone reading there, I’d feel nervous about disturbing them — I don’t know if that necessarily indicates an openness to hanging out, ya know? Here are some things I’d do if I wanted to make neighborhood friends:

• Join the Southwest Center City Facebook group and monitor it for events. If you were feeling bold, you could even put yourself out there and post that you’re looking for friends/something to do, etc!

• Hang at the bar at Sidecar (or Loco Pez, or Dock Street, or whatever your neighborhood bar is!) If you’re watching a sports game at home, watch it at the bar instead. Chances are the people sitting around you will also live in the neighborhood. And sometimes these bars have events or quizzo nights or whatever else, which is always a good way to meet people.

• Join a gym. I’m opposed to CrossFit (sorry!) but people really love OpenBox Athletics — a couple friends of mine go there — but I know it’s not cheap. I also always see people playing pickup basketball at the Christian Street YMCA! Same with the outdoor basketball court at 18th and Washington.

• Sit on my stoop after work. Sounds dumb, but you will not believe how many people get off the bus near you, walk their dog by, or whatever. You will eventually start seeing the same people every day, which makes it easier to get chatty.

• Tell your friends who don’t live in the neighborhood that you want to be “friend set up” with people in your neighborhood that they know. Those people will presumably also have neighborhood friends!

I totally agree it’s awkward to ask for names and numbers. But it’s also normal and how people grow their connection! I love that you want to meet the people around you. I find it so much easier to maintain friendships with those who are in walking distance from me because I have more opportunities to be spontaneous, like, “hey we’re going to the playground now!” or “we’re gonna go grab a beer at Sardine Bar” or whatever.

I (40M) am writing because my wife (40F) and I have been dealing with what feels like a very delicate situation and have not been sure how to deal with it.

To summarize: we've been close friends with another couple (40M/F) for about 20 years. We began living in the same city as them about 10 years ago. Soon afterward, we each had our first children within a few weeks of one another. The idea that they'd be quasi-cousins was exciting to all of us. For a while, it was pretty great. We'd get together often for play dates, meals, holidays, and birthday parties.

As the children neared kindergarten age, things began to change because, to put it politely, we have very different parenting styles.

To be more blunt, our friends have an extremely hands-off approach to parenting. Their children's (they've since had a second) bad behavior is rarely corrected and almost any behavior is dismissed as "just being a kid." As the years have passed, the gap between our expectations and theirs has become increasingly difficult to ignore.

A few examples: their youngest threw a hard toy directly into the face of a guest in our home. Instead of apologizing, they threw a tantrum and demanded to be taken home early. On another occasion, after making a huge mess in our house, their oldest child complained that being asked to help clean it up was "treating them like a slave."

The example that perhaps best captures our frustration involved a neighbor's flower bed. One of their children ripped up their tulips, and rather than treating it as an opportunity to discuss respecting other people's property, the response was essentially that it's hard for a child to know which plants they're allowed to pick and which ones they aren't. Moments that seem like obvious teaching opportunities to us are often explained away as normal childhood behavior.

Interactions with them involve constant screaming, interruptions, roughhousing indoors, and behavior that effectively makes it impossible for adults to have a conversation. It feels like their children don't just demand their parents attention, but the attention of everyone present.

What makes this especially difficult is that our friends genuinely don't seem to see a problem. Almost any behavior is written off as "just being a kid." They have even told us stories about strangers approaching them in public to comment on their children's behavior and viewed those interactions as completely out of line. Experiences that strike us as obvious signs that something is wrong are interpreted by them as other people being judgmental.

Their dynamic often feels less like children learning boundaries and more like children testing how much they can get away with. This all would be more tolerable without the effect this has on our own children. When they spend time together, our kids will sometimes begin mimicking behaviors some of their behaviors. We then spend days afterward correcting behaviors that seem to have been reinforced rather than discouraged.

As a result, we've gradually stopped inviting them over as often. They'll invite us over and we have to come up with a reason why we can't. The problem is that we genuinely love these friends and have known them for two decades, and our kids are bonded too. We miss spending time with them, but increasingly find ourselves dreading spending time with their children.

This question has been haunting me!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel for you sooo deeply. I thought the answer here was obvious — not easy at all, but obvious — but after talking to two different groups of friends about this, it seems like it’s not so.

First, I asked my friend Dino what he would do in this situation. One thing I really value about my friendship with him and his wife Gen is that we are really open and honest with each other. Naturally, we both were like, duh, they have to just talk to them — the friendship is already fractured, so what’s the worst that could happen? This conversation validated my priors and I felt smug to have figured it out so quickly.

But then I asked our Shabbat dinner guests what they thought, and both couples (both parents of two kids) basically agreed that they had to just ride it out until the kids were older. The arguments were that because so much of parenting is temporary, there’s logic in waiting and seeing how things play out in future phases, and while it’s good to give advice when asked, confronting someone over this wouldn’t actually get them to change their behavior, and the friendship would probably be at risk.

Megan said something that has really stuck with me, though: “There’s normal kid behavior, and normal adult behavior,” basically saying that kids are going to be kids and do crazy shit and act like assholes (normal), but it’s adults’ responsibility to explain why that isn’t okay, and (hopefully, preferably, IMO!) explain and implement a reasonable consequence for next time. So yes, picking the neighbors’ flowers is normal, but what’s not normal is writing it off, tacitly encouraging the behavior to continue. The problem is not really with the kids, it’s with the parents.

It’s obviously terrible to be in this situation and I feel so deeply for you. Having a community and a cousin-like relationship is so beautiful and special, and it’s also obviously not easy! We have worried about this with our own kid, who had a violent phase (nothing crazy, all normal, but made us feel terrible and ashamed. He has mostly grown out of it, in part because he grew up, and I also think because we were really clear about consequences.) Even in the best of circumstances, no one is parenting exactly alike, not even two people in the same couple — my husband and I often bicker about parenting choices we make in the moment!

This is obviously super different, but my kid has been asking for a TV in his bedroom because his BFF at daycare apparently has one (he’s never even been to his house lol), and we have to constantly say, “That’s really awesome for him, but it doesn’t work for us.” It sucks, and I am sure it will get more difficult as these differences become clearer and more stark, like when he starts elementary school. Our values are always going to rub up against other people’s values in ways that make us feel judged or exposed or even question our own choices (and vice versa, obviously). This has already happened to us with circumcision, our neighborhood, fanciness of daycare, iPads, TV time, sugar, the use of time-out, and public school vs. private school. Who knows what the future will bring! Lol. But one thing Megan said, which I think is true, is that even though things may feel (and be) so unique to each parent/child relationship, there is (or should be?) a baseline of standards that we can (should?) hold everyone to.

Basically, parenting feels super fraught these days, and everyone seems to feel judged by everyone else, so I appreciate that this is a minefield you’re afraid to walk on!

There are a lot of different ways to handle this, none of which are perfect:

• Keep doing what you’re doing and avoid them, and try to see them just as a couple, like schedule a monthly double date or whatever. A fine idea, and maybe over time things will shift with their kids! But I bet they’re sad and hurting, and there’s a chance they ask what’s up.

• Have a conversation with them that’s going to probably feel really shitty or at least awkward. Be honest that you love them so much, but your different parenting styles are tough for you, and you’re not sure what to do about it (if anything at all), but you didn’t want to avoid them or lie to them. Use I/we statements, obviously, but honestly, no matter how you say it, it’s probably gonna suck! But I do believe that after some space for them to think about it and process, it could end up being really good for them and generative for your relationship. Or they could be like, we actually feel really good about our parenting, and we think you’re too strict! And in that case, you can mutually agree to be adult-only friends for the next few years. Or it could totally destroy the friendship. IDK!!! It’s a dice roll.

• Implement a “our house, our rules” mentality. This is what we do, and we expect other people to do it too, AKA, please feel free to parent my kid! (Besides spanking, which we do not believe in lol.) For example, hitting/throwing stuff may be OK in your house, but in our house, it isn’t. If you hit someone at our house, you get a warning and an explanation of what will come next if you do it again (a time-out). If you do it again, you get a time-out! This harkens back to what Megan said about a baseline of standards, even if the standards only exist in your own home. You can make plans with your friends and their kids, and you can make up a white lie: “Hey, we were having some trouble with one of Daffodil’s friends, so we created this rule so it’s fair to everyone who plays here. I hope it’s OK with you!” If it’s not, they’ll tell you, and you can let them know that you’ll have to reschedule. Super awkward, but at least you’ll have tested the waters, and maybe it will open the door for a larger conversation.

I’m extremely interested in what happens next, I hope you keep us updated!

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