Just advice #12

Question #3 is actually my nightmare

May 18, 2026

Hi all,

If you are new here and subscribed because you read one of my essays (thank you!), please note that I try to write weekly (although it’s often slightly longer than that), and I cycle between an essay —> advice column —> a list of 10 things I’m liking right now. Today is advice!

Below, you’ll find three advice questions (and answers) today, about:

What to do when you’re seen as the backup parent
How to date without the apps
Navigating a good friend’s creepy husband (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

This is a short one because:

1) I am running out of questions!!! Write in here.

2) There’s a big election tomorrow! If you’re in CD 3 in Philadelphia I think you should vote for Chris Rabb. I don’t think he’s the absolute best candidate or running the best campaign, but I believe that out of the options, he is the right person for the job. And if you happen to live in 36-11, vote for me for Committeeperson!

3) I am heading to Ireland with my family in a few days and have been busy packing, getting stuff together, and writing detailed instructions for my house and cat sitter (who I am soooo indebted to!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I am crucially (and happily) traveling without a computer, so my 10 things wrap up will be delayed, and also probably heavily influenced by my trip. Thank you all so much for your many recommendations, especially Catherine who lives in Ireland and who sent an incredibly thorough list of stuff to see/do/eat!

A cringe plea to consider becoming a paying subscriber: Before I got serious about my newsletter, I was doing some freelance reporting. I enjoy that, but I enjoy this more and want to keep doing it. But the time it takes to do this is time I could spend chasing freelance work, which pays money. I don’t want to paywall things and I actually do need to be making money from this. I know the economy sucks ass right now — and I know a lot of other newsletter writers are in similar boats currently — but if you have a couple bucks a month to sustain this work, I would really appreciate it. I am constantly losing paid subscribers because of credit card expirations and people re-evaluating their budget/priorities (totally get it) — but if you are one of the hundreds of people who open up this newsletter every time you get it, I would so appreciate it if you became a paid subscriber.

Love,

Your friend Mindy

Classifieds & Personals

Reminder that this is a new section of the newsletter that I am experimenting with! Looking for friends, a date, workshop attendees, roommates, or something else entirely? Fill out this form and I’ll share it in my next newsletter.

LOOKING FOR A CAT IN PHILADELPHIA?: Looking to rehome a very sweet 6(ish) year old M cat. No behavioral issues, in fact, he is incredibly friendly, he just needs a new home due to the owner's life circumstances. He is good with people but doesn't have much experience around other cats! He has no known health issues and is up to date with vaccines. Happy to discuss more or answer any questions- aschoenburg@gmail.com.

ISO HOUSEMATE IN PHILADELPHIA: My name is Elaine, I live in South Philly and am looking for a housemate to move into my home! I enjoy peace and quiet, my cat Damian, and working from home. Looking for someone chill who is not looking for a best friend/roomie :) For more info and photos email edifeliciantonio@gmail.com.

ON MATERNITY LEAVE IN NYC: F, 35, on maternity leave, NYC. Seeking other new parents for friendship, weekday hangs, walks in Central Park or Prospect Park. Email Jgardner429@gmail.com to hang.

ROMANTICALLY SEEKING IN PHILADELPHIA: 30 y.o. M seeks F for something long-term (ideally). Proud Philadelphia Film Society member. Let’s go to a museum or a used bookstore! Message me on Signal: @OurManInHavana.09

Ask Mindy

Please write in here, it is anonymous! I currently have very few questions in the queue so if questions stop so will the answers. Please note that I often get many questions around the same theme (breakups, motherhood, imposter syndrome, politics, etc.) — if I don’t answer your specific question, trust that I have already or plan to answer a similar one in the near future!

One more thing: Sometimes I get very specific questions, like about which Philly moms groups to join or about how to buy a house here. I don’t answer questions like these because they only feel applicable to a very small segment of my readership (like maybe just one person lol) and/or I don’t feel like I know enough/times have changed a lot (especially the house-buying question — my experience is sadly no longer relevant!) If you have specific questions like this, please just email me at mindy.isser at gmail dot com instead! I am very nice and will tell you what I know/think, and I promise I’ll maintain your anonymity!

My wife and I have 2.5-year-old twin sons. They were born a couple weeks early, which, along with some other circumstances, meant they had a pretty intense first year health-wise: everything from non-critical but wildly inconvenient (fuck GERD!!!!) to relatively major (severe tongue and lip ties that affected feeding) to extremely serious (one of my sons had cranial neurosurgery at ~4mo... zero stars, do not recommend).

After they were born, I was UNBELIEVABLY lucky to get a full 20 weeks of paternity leave, but that time was basically full-on warfare in our house, just trying to keep everyone fed, sleeping, in clean-ish clothes, etc. We don’t live near family and were the first of our friends to have kids, so it was insanely difficult and very isolating. But it also made my wife and me a much stronger team, and it gave me the chance to be deeply involved with and close to my sons in a way I know many fathers either don’t get the chance to or choose to avoid. Even after I went back to work, because I WFH and my wife stayed home with them until recently, I get to remain very close to their everyday lives and care. Which is a joy!

However, now that we’re more out in the world with them (playgrounds, daycare, neighborhood stuff, restaurants, etc.), I feel like I am constantly seen as “the backup parent” in basically all of those settings. Other parents approach and chat with my wife but not me. Staff direct questions to her even when I’m the one clearly available to answer. If we're at the toddler play space, I’ll do the normal “oh, how old is your little one?” thing and people (tbh, mostly moms with their single child) will sometimes just walk past me like I didn’t say anything. Even my parents and in-laws mostly direct their questions to my wife by default, both IRL and over text.

In my non-parent life, I think of myself as someone who has plenty of friends, gets along well with coworkers, can make social connections pretty easily, etc. But for whatever reason in parent-world I guess I just automatically scan as a random childless mid-30s man who wandered over to the slide or into the pediatrician's office. Or as a kind of Don-Draper- / Marty-Hart-level father (eg technically a parent but not really taking that too seriously).

So my question is... why do people keep acting as though my wife is the real parent and I’m just an accessory? And is there anything I’m supposed to be doing differently if I want to avoid being treated like a secondary or invisible parent?

As a twin myself, I am sooooo deeply impressed by you and that you got through the first two years. I think I’d be a husk of a person! Kudos to the both of you.

But I think you know why people act as though your wife is the real parent and you’re just an accessory. While it’s true that (middle-class) dads are more involved with their kids than ever before, moms still do much more than dads on average. Some of this is because of what you’re saying: people assume the mom is in charge, so they go to her, which puts more responsibility on her plate, and the cycle continues. I see this at our daycare all the time! And I know when my husband is out with our son solo, older women always comment on what a good dad he is, just because he’s… being a dad. Obviously this basically never happens to women!

I think the way to fix this dynamic is just to continue doing what you’re doing. When your parents and in-laws text your wife questions, text them back the answer, and ask them to text you (or at least include you in a group chat) next time. Make sure it’s you, not your wife, that says, “hey, can I get your number to arrange a playdate?” to the other playground parents. Whenever possible, pick the kids up from daycare by yourself, and take them to the pediatrician yourself. I know that’s a lot with two kids, but if you can swing it, it will force people to defer to you as the parent in that moment, and hopefully see you in a different light in the future.

I would also try not to feel too aggrieved by this. It is always frustrating and hurtful not to be seen, but I actually think the situation is much worse for your wife. There’s a capable and available man around, but people are still going to her when she’s obviously busy? That’s annoying and would drive me crazy! Everything she does is seen as status quo and expected, everything you do is a fascinating delight — it’s surprising you’re so involved, that’s why people struggle to grasp it. Even the most left-wing and “evolved” people still hold onto some gendered expectations, myself included. Sometimes culture evolves more slowly than we’d like, but I think you can feel better knowing it is changing. Don Draper would never ask a question like this!!!!!

Do you have thoughts/tips on dating off the apps in a world that does not feel primed for spontaneous connection? Dating apps feel bad and I think a lot of people *want* to meet someone IRL but it often feels out of reach.

First I think you should fill out this form so you can place a personal ad here :) Secondly yes I totally get your concern, dating IRL seems super hard right now. I don’t have an easy answer but my biggest pieces of advice are:

Do the things you like doing. Duh but this is at least how you can meet people, and they have the added benefit of liking the same things you like. Whether that’s political organizing, ceramics, softball, or drinking at the bar, leave your house and do it. You will be around other people who may be single and open to romantic connections, or if they’re not, they may know people who are. You may also make a friend or two, and either way, you’ll be doing stuff that you like!
Remain open to the apps. Even if your focus is on meeting someone IRL, I think it’s good to remain open to meeting someone on the apps. Let a thousand flowers bloom as they say! Maybe only give yourself 10-15 minutes of swipe time per day so you don’t get too overwhelmed or bummed.
Tell everyone you know you’re open to being set up! This requires some vulnerability but I think it’s the best way of meeting someone. Tell literally everyone you know that you want to meet someone and that if they know anyone who may be a good fit you’d be happy to be introduced in a chill way. I keep a running internal rolodex of single friends who I’m always trying to match, I think other people do this too.

I know it’s tough but summer is coming and people will be more social and happier and open and outside, I have hope that you’ll meet someone! Good luck.

One of my close friends' husbands gets very touchy feely with me when he is drunk (Touches me constantly, has grazed my ass, makes comments about my looks and has even asked questions about my sexual life that border on lude). It makes me uncomfortable and want to see them less or not at all if there is drinking involved. If he is not drinking, he is fine though I avoid him all together in group settings because I think he is just a creep. Do I tell my friend or just keep avoiding them?

This is my absolute nightmare and I’m so sorry you are going through this, what an awful thing. I think you should absolutely tell your friend, but it's going to be very awkward and damaging, and it may completely end your friendship. I feel like you already know that, but I want to name it out loud, because if your relationship ends, I really want you to know it’s not your fault. You are obviously in a terrible position!!!! And that’s probably why you’re in it, this guy picked you because he thinks he’s got you cornered and that you’ll stay quiet. It’s also true that once you tell your friend, she will be in a really painful position too, one I can’t imagine being in.

Obviously, I would like to think that if this were my husband, I would want to know. But something like this would destroy not just my marriage but also my perception of my own instincts, my ability to trust, and probably also my sense of self! Not to be dramatic or project, but I think your friend could be facing a full-on spiral. There’s a chance she also chooses to ignore your reality and not believe you. Either option (or a combination) will probably make you feel guilty, hurt, angry, or all of the above. I want you to really prepare for that, as much as you can, and for the possibility that your friendship won’t make it. But as it stands, your friendship isn’t in a good place anyway, since the husband is obviously a creep, you’re avoiding them both, and you’re keeping this huge thing from her. I am so sorry you are in this position.

I am curious if she has noticed your avoidance and said anything about it. If so, that would be the best opportunity to raise this. If not, it’s going to be even more difficult, but you just have to do it. I have no good or specific advice for this, you just have to rip the bandaid off. I am really thinking of you and sending all my love, good luck and please report back!!!

Reading

Palantir Comes to Campus

What Will It Take to Get A.I. Out of Schools?

Shooting and Crying

We Need To Lower The Errand-Running Age In America

Why Are Kids So Present and Adults So Elsewhere?

Surrender (The God Shot)

AI psychosis + stupidity is spreading

Are Disney Adults the Happiest Debtors on Earth?

Babies Are Bleeding to Death as Parents Reject a Vitamin Shot Given at Birth

The Cost of ‘Natural’ Womanhood

My Kids Are Great, It's Me With the Screen Problem