against hating men

I'm not a pick-me I just don't want all of us to suffer

hi all,

below you’ll find an essay about men. there’s so much more I could write and I am sure I will in the future, but I wanted to get something out as I’ve been thinking about this a lot (and polling many of my male friends… so if this is you, thank you lol).

there’s no advice today, but my next newsletter will only be advice (please write in anonymously here!), and then the following will be a batch of 10 things that are feeling good, and then the cycle starts all over again with another essay! if there are things you’d like me to write about, please let me know — I have a running list of topics but am always looking for more.

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love,

your friend Mindy 

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I found out the sex of our baby sitting at our dining room table. I clicked on the link in my email to my hospital app, which brought me to the results of my non-invasive prenatal testing (NIPT) test. my husband was working second shift at the time; I called him as I clicked through to the portal so we could find out together. on the top of the screen I saw MALE. I said, “it’s a boy, I have to go, bye,” and hung up on my husband, a nice and normal person who didn’t have a preference about gender, and only wanted a healthy baby.

I didn’t want a girl so I could put her in cute outfits (although that too) or so I could have a “mini-me” or whatever. I just didn’t want a boy. it’s embarrassing to share now — and also feels silly and insane, in retrospect — but I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to connect with him or love him as much as I could a girl. I was afraid to raise a boy, I didn’t feel like I knew how. I still don’t know how — and with hindsight, I don’t think I would if I had a girl, either — but I love my son more than I ever thought possible, obviously, more than I have ever loved anyone ever. I feel ashamed that I ever felt this way, but I know I’m not alone, because I’ve talked multiple friends off the proverbial ledge when they got the same results in their NIPT tests too.

I feel a little afraid to write about this — gender and its wars and masculinity and what’s innate and what isn’t — because it all feels so fraught right now, and I don’t want anyone to think these thoughts are indicative of anything beyond the specific observations I’m sharing here. but the last (almost) three years of parenting a boy and spending time with our friends’ kids has shifted my perspective around gender. for a long time I believed that gender was entirely a social construct, and any preference a child showed for “boy-coded” or “girl-coded” things was culturally created. I don’t think that any longer — which is not to say that customs and habits don’t matter (ever heard of the superstructure????); I just think there are other innate factors at play too. obviously this isn’t true for every child in our society or in the world (duh), but I have been shocked to see how rough my son can be, how aggressively and physically he wants to play, and that his main interests are vehicles, construction, and sports, even though we’ve tried equally hard to push art and dolls on him. from what we’ve seen — and I am aware this is anecdotal! — his friends that are girls are able to sit still and focus on an activity much more easily, whether it’s playing pretend, painting, or watching a movie. our son’s favorite activities are running, jumping, and throwing things. obviously there are many non-gendered factors at play, and obviously everyone has blind spots (us included!), but these are kids being raised by people with “modern” ideas of gender; without deeply set gender roles in their own marriages or partnerships, in which both partners cook, clean, and do childcare; and who have trans and non-binary people in their lives. all of this is to say: it seems like children are drawn to certain activities, toys, and ways of being, possibly — in part — on the basis of their sex.

like I said, I feel very cautious about talking about all of this. I remember when I was pregnant and I told an acquaintance that we were having a boy and was chastised for it — this person said I shouldn’t assume the baby’s gender. maybe they were right, but to be honest, we never considered using gender neutral pronouns (and all this person did was ensure that I’ll never talk to them about anything important again). we know a few families who have chosen to use gender neutral pronouns for their kids (and obviously we respect that choice!) but most people we know, including parents who are trans, just rolled with the pronouns that matched the gender that matched the sex — for norms or for ease or for the same reasons as us, who knows. our calculus re: gender was (and is) that most people are cis so our son probably will be too, and if he’s not that’s fine, and in the meantime we will encourage activities and toys and clothes that run the gamut from “boy” to “girl” with the hope that he ends up a happy, well-adjusted person who can talk about his feelings.

but tbh, it’s not looking good! I am hopeful that our son will be fine — he has a lot of good male role models (who I am so grateful for!!!!) — but the vibes are very bad for men in this country, and the data seems to indicate that the situation goes beyond feelings and is an actual, material crisis. whether it’s education, jobs, addiction, or suicide attempts, the situation for men — particularly working class men — is very bleak: men are squarely behind women in basically all categories that can be measured. when our sons were younger, Mischa recommended a book to me, Of Boys and Men: Why the Modern Male Is Struggling, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It, but instead of reading it or even considering the issues at hand, I made fun of him for being a men’s rights activist. I am sorry Mischa! you were right and I was wrong! (probably the only time I’ll ever say this.)

but as a current human woman, and as someone who was raised as a girl, my immediate instinct was (and in large part still is!) to write off men’s problems as bullshit. after all, women’s issues are so vast! there’s been a whole movement created in hopes of fixing them! it’s had multiple waves and none of them have gotten it right yet! every woman I know has been a victim of sexual violence of varying degrees and instances, we’ve all wondered if we’ve been rejected from jobs because of our gender (or if we have gotten them only because of our looks), we’ve all had incredibly destructive relationships with food and our bodies for a short time or even permanently, and we’ve all known that we’ve been taken less seriously in basically every facet of our lives just because we’re women. it’s exhausting and infuriating and it makes it hard to feel bad for men! especially when the ones who have victimized us, hurt us, raped us, harassed us have all been men. I have spent most of my life fearing men, resenting men, and also, of course, wanting to be chosen by men. it is exhausting to be a woman.

I think that if I didn’t have a son, I may publicly agree that men’s issues are a problem for society (it seems impossible to disagree with that at this point), but I privately wouldn’t care very much — after all, my husband is fine, my male friends are fine. but I am selfish and I want my son to be normal! I want him to have friends and romantic relationships and a job and hobbies that aren’t playing video games, gambling online, and/or scrolling on social media — all things that men seem to be doing a lot of, alone in their homes. and obviously, when I am feeling less provoked and provoking, I want that for all men. it is a really bad thing for half of our society to be suffering in deep and existential ways! bad for them, and again, maybe selfishly, bad for us — if most women date and partner with men, their financial, emotional, and mental states affect us too, in both big and small ways.

and of course, there’s plenty written about how men suck as partners; it’s very on trend to write a book or an essay or a newsletter about this topic (I subscribe to many of them!) I have many mixed feelings about how this is becoming the norm — on one hand, women are the most financially independent and stable we have ever been. it’s unequivocally a good thing that we are able to marry for love (obviously lol) and choose partnerships based on mutual respect and to leave relationships that are unequal. on the other, I don’t know how to solve the problem of men not pulling their weight in the home. obviously I want men to “be better,” but how? it’s easy to say, “men! be better!” but what does that actually mean, how does it look, and how do we get there? it’s very fashionable to say stuff like “it’s not my job to educate you,” which I guess is anyone’s prerogative, but then whose job is it? I agree it’s probably not the job of individual women to see this process through, but neither the government or social institutions seem interested in stepping up in this way. and it seems like when men either try to or genuinely do relate more to women and their interests, or to appear kinder and gentler than the “average man,” they’re called performative or try-hard or fake “allies" (one of the worst words ever invented).

all of the things I want to say — not all men, some of my best friends are men! — are either empty platitudes, potential reactionary dog whistles, or seen as something a pick-me would say. and they also don’t feel totally true either! I spend a lot of time feeling angry at men, both in general and specifically. just last night I was talking to Arielle and Patty about how my husband has some kind of male-specific blindness to crumbs on the kitchen counter and the cabinet doors being open and all the lights being on. when I come home from a trip or a night out with friends I have to brace myself for what the house will look like — while not terrible, it’s never how I would leave it (but is that gender or is it mental illness?) I am sure if we played the fair play deck I would be holding many more cards than him, even though we both think of our partnership as pretty egalitarian.

with regards to parenting specifically, it’s obviously true that men can and should do more. but there are also structural and cultural forces at play that are legitimate barriers to that! men are less likely to have parental leave, and when they do have it, they are less likely to take it due to cultural expectations. and of course this kind of social pressure isn’t insurmountable, but it’s not like women are immune to it either (ask me my thoughts on pubic hair!) my daycare automatically assumes that the moms are the primary parent, and they communicate only with us — I am sure this is true for most daycares. “moms groups” are the norm, “dads groups” aren’t — obviously they should be, but men are not encouraged to connect in the same ways as women. and when they try to be more emotional, we get the ick! it can genuinely be a vicious cycle.

I personally don’t know how to define masculinity and I don’t know if it’s innate, socially constructed, or a mixture of the two (although that’s obviously my guess). but clearly we on the left understand that masculinity is its own, meaningful thing, and in some ways we must respect it — if not, how could we support and affirm trans men or non-binary people? and if we recognize and support people being butch, masc, and/or trans, then it seems like we also have to figure out a way to affirm and support masculinity, even with cis men, who apparently we all hate lol. I am being a little tongue in cheek but I am genuinely not trying to be inflammatory, just trying to figure out how we can make almost half of our society at least a little less depressed and isolated. to be clear, there are many worse things to be right now than a man in this country. I am not crying for men. but I am genuinely worried about the trends we’re seeing in this country — how deeply unhappy men are, how that affects women, and how it structures our politics.

my husband is one of the best men I know, but his friendships baffle me sometimes — he often comes home from seeing them with no personal information to share. he is 38 and has had two main groups of friends for basically his entire life: his childhood friends and his high school friends. they mostly all still live in the area — Philadelphia is the center of the universe obviously — and see each other regularly, although not nearly as often as I see my friends. I tweeted about his annual summer vacation with his childhood crew:

I did not expect this tweet to pop off like it did, and the responses were fairly insane (obviously). lots of “dudes rock” (to be expected) but also:

obviously you should know your friends’ wives’ names, that’s literally insane! but on the other end of the spectrum, there’s SO much projection here about my husband and his friendships and male friendship in general. like I said, I have obviously spent a lot of time being confused by my husband’s relationships, but I’m starting to come around to the idea that maybe they’re just different — maybe we’re just different — and that’s okay. to be clear, it’s NOT okay to have no friends, to spend all of your time on youtube and reddit, to be addicted to online gambling, to resent women for your issues — that, to me, is indicative of the problem with men today. but if you have friends — any kind of friends, even “shoulder to shoulder” friends — I don’t see how that could be a bad thing! even if it’s different from my thing.

I sent a first draft of this to my husband and he was a little upset by my characterization (see, men have feelings!) so I want to share his thoughts below to make sure people know he isn’t a neanderthal lol.

I love him so much lol

it is difficult to acknowledge or even just try to talk about differences between sexes and genders without sounding trad or like a TERF, two things I am not. and obviously it’s hard to parse what’s nature and what’s nurture, and I am not a scientist! but this passage stuck with me from

Elena Bridgers

’ recent newsletter, Did Women Hunt in Our Evolutionary Past?

The evidence from hunter-gatherer societies overwhelmingly suggests that despite the gendered division of labor between hunting and gathering, these societies are highly egalitarian. Men do not have more power than women. They just do different kinds of work.

I would like to live in a world where differences between men and women could be celebrated as the thoughtful, interesting, and beautiful things that make us the people we are — not entangle us deeper in an ugly, sexist culture war. but like all things, the answer to the problem with men is societal and structural (the base!!!!). Abdul El-Sayed, who is running for senate in Michigan (please vote for him if you live there!), has a lot of interesting stuff to say about masculinity in our current world in this article.

A gym rat and former star athlete, El-Sayed says he doesn’t know “any young man between the ages of 14 and 40 who doesn’t have some kind of problematic relationship with one of the following: sports betting, gaming, porn, cannabis.” Each “leaves people feeling small and kind of broken.” Meanwhile, elite discourse blames men “for this sort of ‘toxic masculinity,’ ” while the likes of Andrew Tate promote a misogynistic caricature of what it means to be a man. “All of these working together have led to this massive MAGA-pilling of young men.”…

The progressive alternative, El-Sayed contends, should be a combination of self-help and collective action: “You can tell young men, ‘OK, put on your pants, go to class, show up better in your life, hit the gym, all of it.’ But also: ‘Let’s talk about why you feel this way. It’s not about the women in your life. It’s about these huge corporations that have tried to separate you from your dollar in ways that make you feel bad.’ ”

as good jobs have dried up (particularly for men who are not college educated); and unions, religious institutions, and civic organizations have become increasingly irrelevant; and we all have intensely addictive hand computers that point us directly to porn, sports gambling, and right-wing media and message boards, our society has created a perfectly potent storm of isolation and anger. obviously this is having very negative effects in our individual and personal lives — people aren’t dating or connecting and they’re really lonely! but it’s also creating a deeply gendered political divide. Trump and other right-wingers have been and are continuing to specifically appeal to young men on the basis of their gender, and are filling a vacuum of public models of masculinity.

obviously I do not think feminism has gone too far! and obviously I do not blame women for men’s pain. and I also think consistently hammering men for something they can’t change — being men — is bad politics. it’s the same way I feel about the way we talked about racism between 2015-2021~. obviously racism is bad, it is correct to be opposed to racism, racism is still a huge problem in our society and is seen everywhere from jobs to housing to education to run-of-the-mill social situations, racism needs to be eradicated. and also, people can’t change their race, so telling white people they need to repent and atone for their privilege isn’t good politics, unless you are super rich and went to smith college or something, then it might work. (NO OFFENSE I just picked a random and expensive liberal arts school!)

telling men who may have had a rough go of it in other ways that they need to apologize for all of the benefits they have received from their gender is not effective in changing our world. to be clear, I am not arguing that men haven’t benefited from their gender, that would be absolutely insane. I am saying that if we as leftists want to appeal to men (half our society!!!) so we can win a better world, we need to figure out how.

I am genuinely not trying to be provocative! for me, the core of any social issue always comes back to this question: who is the enemy? it’s not individual men, even when they are backwards or sexist or reactionary, which of course many are. but I believe that can be changed over time; I couldn’t be a socialist if I didn’t think this was possible. and no, not with struggle sessions about how men must repent for the immutable crime of being men. it’s only through a shared commitment to creating a more egalitarian, loving world, where we all have more control over our time, our work, and our lives, that we’ll find a way through.

these problems won’t be changed overnight (obviously!), but I hope the painful reality of our situation — and again, it really is all of our situation! — makes us work to find solutions. but in the meantime, if you’re friends with a man — regardless of your gender — ask him if he wants to grab a beer or a coffee or go for a walk. he may really need it!

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reading

Is Mary Oliver Embarrassing?

The Responsibility of Intellectuals in the Age of Fascism and Genocide

Where "Breast is Best" Keeps Missing the Mark

the family bed

My Mother, New Orleans

The internet was a place

Disney and the Decline of America’s Middle Class

Type B Care

America Tips Into Fascism

To be human is to waste time