10 things that are feeling good

directly copied from This Needs Hot Sauce!

hi all,

I felt like sending a quick little newsletter, although because it’s a little more intimate and informal, I’ll be paywalling most of it :) I’m going to switch the layout for today, so everyone will be able to see the advice question, but my answer, along with the rest of the newsletter, will be behind the paywall. many thanks to

Alicia Kennedy

, one of my very favorite writers, for her ideas about and encouragement for writing more often.

a note on paying for my newsletter: it took me a long time to institute a paid option and I am only now making certain things subscriber-only. I’m extremely lucky and grateful to have a paid day job that I love, and also I want to acknowledge both to myself and to everyone else that writing this newsletter is work that takes up time I could be spending on other things. I really enjoy doing it, and also I think that if you always read it, and/or it means something to you, and/or you can afford it, you should pay for it. I’ve made it as cheap as substack will let me (I really wish they had a $1 per newsletter option or something, but they don’t…yet?) and also I know that there are tons of amazing newsletters out there — some of which are people’s full time jobs — so I get it if you can’t pay, and I hope you stick around. the majority of my newsletters will remain free!

relatedly, all posts are paywalled a few weeks after publishing, so I strongly recommend subscribing to make sure they’re in your inbox and you don’t miss them when they’re free/public!

love,

your friend Mindy 

PS: I am looking for someone to spruce up the look of my newsletter. can you do this or can you point me in the direction of someone who can? obviously this is a paid gig!

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ask Mindy

I have only two questions in my inbox, so PLEASE continue to write in HERE. it is anonymous. I am only able to publish this section because people write in consistently. if the questions stop so will the answers!

there’s only one question today, about what to do when you don’t like your friend’s partner.

The labor movement is a huge part of my life. I have a workers' rights job and workers' rights interests. I can't overstate how central workers' rights are to my worldview.

I also have an incredible best friend. We've been best friends since childhood. She's brilliant, thoughtful, and a capital-G Good person to the core; she's very supportive of labor (though it doesn't dominate her life in the same way). She's my family. Our lives are very enmeshed.

We are both in our early 30s, and her relationship is getting serious. She and her boyfriend are discussing marriage and children. She has been looking for a committed relationship and really wants kids soon, so this is a really welcome development for her.

My issue is with her boyfriend. He works for an incredibly evil anti-worker company, doing an incredibly evil anti-worker job (think something along the lines of corporate lawyer at Jackson Lewis). In the past I was not good at concealing my disgust about this, and I know my attitude toward him and his work hurt my best friend. She knows how I feel about his work. She doesn't love it herself but it's also not a dealbreaker for her; from her perspective, he's a product of his upbringing and was taught by his parents to value money, power, etc. She thinks that over time, with her influence, his values might change.

Interpersonally, he's not totally abhorrent (though he has a lot of personality traits that track with being a corporate asshole). He makes her happy and treats her well. He's a little afraid of me and treats me with a sort of shamed deference. He gets along with our other friends, her family, and my spouse. I'm the only one holding a pitchfork.

I have been trying to be more kind to him and about him, but sometimes I find myself seized with a serious anger about him and their relationship. I think often (way more often than I want to) about my sense that he's dedicated his life to bringing about a bad and unjust world. I can feel it impacting my friendship with my best friend (e.g., lately I think twice before popping over to her house because I don't want to see him).

How should I deal with this? I feel terrible and ashamed, but also righteously repulsed.